To Breathe Again

   




      I feel like I can breathe again. My heart has stopped pounding and I feel like the exhaustion from the past week has finally eased up.      

      It's funny how there used to be so many days when I'd wish for just one whole day of rest to myself. I'd dream of the life that I used to have where I had the luxury of lying around on a weekend, sleeping in, doing whatever I wanted when I wanted without the responsibility of anyone but myself and Terry. I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world now. But I think that every parent at some point probably experiences the same feelings of dreaming of just one day to themselves without the responsibility of changing dirty diapers and worrying about feedings and tears.
 
      But now that I've been told that I have to relax, I have to stay put and I have to remain lying down as much as possible I actually really miss all of those little things that I once thought that I wanted a break from. I miss changing all those dirty diapers from a little girl who squirms and wiggles trying to get loose. I miss the rush of the morning, getting her ready, chasing after her as she runs giggling through the house with her toys. I miss leaving the house to run errands, pick up milk or go for a walk with Terry, Mya and our dog. I miss my kindergarten kids who leave me exhausted by the end of day...but a good, full, fun day kind of exhaustion. However, I know that this resting is what I need to be doing in order to protect this little wee baby--so it's completely worth it. I just stare at this picture in awe and it makes me head right back to bed.

    So instead of my normal busy routine, I've been spending my days in bed or on the couch trying to take it easy. Instead of going out and trying to find enjoyment and fun, this has given me the chance to appreciate the small things that are right here in front of me.  I've been doing things like watching the beautiful tulips that my mother in law brought for me bloom perfectly with each passing day.

I've been able to spend more time with my little nephew Oliver since Jen and Jeff have been over helping out with Mya so much and keeping me company throughout the week.

I sat at the table this morning for our typical pancake Saturday breakfast and enjoyed watching my little girl eat more pancakes than I even did!

I snuck into Mya's room the other night to find this scene...which made me laugh out loud.

I tried to gently push her legs back into the crib, but she just stuck them back out again. She cracks me up.

The guilt of not being able to look after my girl the way that I usually do is killing me. But I've loved watching her get loved on and cared for so perfectly from the rest of my family. I don't know what I would do without them.

Her grandma is very brave. Surprisingly there was no peeing!

My dad has been waiting almost 2 years now to be able to show Mya this little fort under his deck that he had made especially for his unborn grandchildren. And she apparently LOVED it!

     I've been enjoying the little visits from friends who have popped by to check in on us, and the emails, cards and special gifts and treats that I've found left at my doorstep. Thank you to everyone for your incredible support and generosity--I don't feel worthy of all of this kindness, but I am so incredibly appreciative. The little things (like my wonderful friend Gillian who gathered some school stuff for me the other day so that my sister could bring it home for me) all make such a difference to my world right now. Thank you a million times over.
  
     With my heart racing at a normal speed now, and my focus now on keeping our tiny little baby safe and sound, I have another week of rest ahead of me before heading back to work. What a wild ride this has been, but it literally brings me to tears thinking of the kindness that we've experienced from others. Terry and I have always talked about making sure that we have a strong community of good people around us while raising our children. We wanted our kids to feel that they had people outside of just us who loved and cared for them and who would be there for them if anything were ever to happen to us. And this experience has made me realize that we actually already have that, which I am forever grateful for.