Tuesday, 27 March 2012

An Emotional Rollercoaster

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     So I'm lying in bed right now...on a Tuesday afternoon. Not exactly a typical afternoon for me--I can't even remember the last time that I was in bed during the day. But I'm lying here not for my own sake...I've been told by my doctor that I must remain horizontal for at least a week now.
     I debated about whether or not I would write about the experience that we've been going through. It's personal. It's emotional. It's difficult. But I came to the conclusion that others might be able to relate. It might resonate with someone. And for me, it's helpful and therapeutic to write about it and get it all out. So, I figured I'd just start writing...bare with me.
     Monday morning was a morning that I never want to relive ever again. I woke up expecting it to be another normal Monday and started getting Mya ready and myself ready for work. But my world stopped as I was in the bathroom and all of a sudden I was staring at a pool of blood. I stared at my legs in disbelief as blood streamed down to the floor. I knew immediately what it meant, but I couldn't bring myself to actually acknowledge it.

     I cried, I called for Terry and then I called my mom. Thank goodness I have the greatest husband and family in the world. My mom dropped everything and drove right over, I called my sister and she came too and Terry and I both called into work to take the day off. After calling my doctor, he asked me to come in right away and all of a sudden Terry and I were sitting in our doctors office explaining to him exactly how much blood I saw that morning. The whole experience was so surreal. I felt like I was watching this all happen to a distraught couple who just yesterday were talking about what names they liked best for their new little baby.

     We cried for the dream of our family that was being swept away from us. We cried for how unfair it felt. We cried for believing that of course this was going to happen to us because we knew that this was given to us way too easily this time. We cried for our baby that we so desperately wanted. We cried for a loss that you just can't even explain. We cried because we didn't know for sure what had happened. We cried because we felt so out of control and didn't have confirmation as to whether we actually for sure lost the baby. But really, all I kept thinking was "What else could it be?".

     This is where those little acts of kindness come into play. My mom and sister took Mya and Oliver for a walk when we were at the doctor and they came home with a HUGE bag of chocolate Eggies for me and a big bag of Terry's favourite chips (salt and vinegar). I wasn't surprised when I saw them--it's what our family does. When anything goes wrong, we show up (which is most important) and then we usually always surprise the person with their favourite treat. Knowing you can't do anything to change the situation, treats will at least bring a smile to their faces, if only for a moment. Then on top of that, my wonderful friend Jen just stopped by with TWO amazing dinners for us and then she also included all of my favourite treats (chocolate peanut butter cups, Loads Of ketchup chips and chocolate caramel eggs). She left my house and my eyes filled with tears as I looked at all that she had brought for us and the incredible thoughtfulness that was behind it. She is a true angel. Thank you Jen.

    After getting back from the doctors office, we waited anxiously until 1:00 when we had our ultrasound appointment. We walked hand in hand into the building, not saying a word to each other. There were no words for what we were both feeling. We were about to walk in and be told that we no longer had our baby. I've never felt so anxious, overwhelmed...sad is not even a strong enough word. I can't even explain it. I would never wish this feeling on anyone.
     My name was called and I went into the ultrasound room, while Terry had to wait in the waiting room alone. Thank goodness I had the loveliest ultrasound technician I've ever had. She looked at my file, reading why I was there that day, then touched my arm to comfort me. I laid there, belly covered in that cold gel just staring at this lady who was straight faced, intensely staring at the screen that I couldn't see. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I felt desperate and completely out of control. Then all of sudden, she flipped the screen quickly towards me and almost shouted at me "Look! I see a heartbeat! There's still a baby in there!".
    I wept immediately. Wept like I had never wept before. The tears burned my cheeks. I tried to catch my breath while wiping my tears as this lovely lady excitedly showed me every inch of that beautiful little baby. I watched as this tiny little being bounced around, kicked his/her legs and even sucked his/her thumb. I've never felt more grateful or happy about anything in my life before. When Terry was finally allowed to come in, we locked eyes and all I could say was "There's a baby! We still have our baby!".

     I cried again as we watched our little daughter or son move so perfectly around on that little screen. The lovely ultrasound technician then said to me, "You know, sometimes God makes us go through some tough things in life so that we're extra grateful for what we have". I wanted to tell her that she was preaching to the choir. She was so right.
     The ultrasound showed that what was causing all of the bleeding was a pretty significant tear in my placenta. She said she wasn't sure what caused it, but in order for it to heal and not cause any damage to the baby I was put on bed rest for at least a week.
     So here I lay in bed, in a quiet house, as my mom and sister are at the Early Years Centre with Mya so that I can rest. I found out that my mother in law also came over today to check in and drop off a lovely pile of new clothes for Mya when I was sleeping earlier. She's just the best. And my dad has also been over helping out with Mya and doing odd jobs around our house since yesterday. Val and Brad, in the midst of their own struggles, have also been amazingly supportive and even offered to look after Mya if we needed extra help. Thank you to everyone.
     In the whirlwind of emotions that we've gone through in the past 24hours, we feel so incredibly blessed and so grateful for the miracle that is still in my belly. I can't even express how fortunate I feel. It's the most overwhelming feeling in the world and I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how lucky we are--I know that's not even a strong enough word. I can't even find the words to express how incredibly blessed we feel right now. And I thank you all for the incredible support that you have shown. Thank you thank you thank you.


1 comment:

  1. Rest well Erica. We have known those tears of sorrow and grief and also the other side - the realization of a wonderful blessing. Take care of yourself and baby #2.

    Brenda and Mike


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