Sunday, 19 October 2014

Loss and get aways

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I didn't even know how important this past week was until I started seeing Facebook posts, telling me that this particular day actually exists. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day was October 15th and as I scrolled through my Facebook feed and saw how many other people share a story similar to ours it brought me back to all of the same feelings of loss that we experienced not too long ago.

I couldn't figure out why I was so upset as September came to an end. I was extra emotional, finding myself wiping away tears in the silence of my car, waking up sad, going to bed sad, just feeling utter sadness. I remember feeling like my only real distraction from this dark space was going to work every day--being so incredibly distracted by the 27 little four and five year olds who needed every ounce of me that there was no time at all for my own thoughts anymore. But then the moment that I left, got into my car and back to reality I found myself upset and sad once again. What is happening to me?? I remember thinking to myself. I don't do this. I don't usually ever feel this way. And if I do, I'm usually able to quickly focus on something great and get over the hump. My family noticed it. Terry noticed it. And finally I confessed to Terry late one night what was going on.

My due date was quickly approaching--my OLD due date.

I wasn't expecting to have to go through mourning all over again at this point. I wasn't prepared for the flood of emotions to come creeping back into my life once again, as if we just lost the baby this week...not six months ago. But it's happening. And I debated about writing about it, but then decided that maybe it might be helpful to others who have experienced this same know and be prepared that this might happen to you too. Because I never expected it. But it's difficult, because you start to realize that at this point your hospital bags would have been packed, your belly would have been beautifully huge, your nursery would have been completely finished, and in a couple short weeks you would have been holding your precious little baby in your arms. And it hits you, hard.

I somehow expected too that since I'm pregnant again that it would ease those feelings. That it wouldn't feel so awful. That the sadness would be replaced by the fact that we're so so grateful to be carrying another child. That we know how lucky we are, so we would somehow then move on faster from the loss that we experienced before. But it's not true. Not true at all. We're beyond thrilled about this new pregnancy and so incredibly grateful...but still so sad thinking about the baby that we lost.

I haven't wanted to explain it or talk about it with anyone, including Terry and my own family, since if I talk about it it becomes real all over again and I knew a breakdown would be imminent. But a couple minutes ago, Terry came and hung over my shoulder and asked me what I was writing about...and the flood gates opened once again.  

So we're at Blue Mountain right now. Just Terry and I. Because when your daughter is a mess and you just don't know what to do, you quickly come up with a plan to send her and her hubby away, just the two of them. You book a beautiful chalet for them, book a couples massage and take their two sweet children for a weekend away at Nana and Papa's house (and you of course do the same for Jen and Jeff sometime, since everything is always always equal of course). You tell them to relax, sit by the fireplace, read a book, go for a swim, walk through the village hand in hand, eat out, order a drink other than water for dinner and enjoy the beauty and serenity of the quiet mountains.  

So that's exactly what we've been doing.

Our beautiful chalet that we're staying in...well, a section of it. 

I've been reading my trashy magazines, catching up on the latest celebrity gossip...

and we've made frequent visits to the hot tub, me sitting on the edge with my feet just dangling in (since over-heating this baby isn't exactly on the list of things to do this weekend) and Terry fully enjoying the blissful heat and relaxation...both options still wonderfully peaceful. We've walked through the village, indulging in delicious pieces of fudge and warm glasses of hot chocolate with whip cream. We've sat by the fireplace each morning, eating huge delicious breakfasts that we didn't have to make ourselves, while sipping on orange juice. We laid side by side for a couples massage at the spa and scoped out every possible fireplace in this place to sit by, because there is absolutely nothing more peaceful and relaxing than sitting by a roaring fire. And it doesn't even matter that the weather is frigidly cold and rainy, or that I have bronchitis and can't get through a few sentences without coughing up a lung--because we've been placed in this little paradise, and it's therefore hard to feel anything but happiness while here. Sometimes a break from reality is necessary to pull you out of grief and start fresh again.

Thank you mom and dad for such an amazing time away. We'll do the same for our kids one day when they really need it too--we promise.

Speaking of which, we're missing them like crazy...time to get packed up and head home to see those two sweet little faces.

Happy Sunday everyone, and love to all of those parents who have experienced loss and who are grieving (or who have grieved) the same way that we have.

Love Erica xo  


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