Thank You

     

     How can I ever express enough how much we appreciate all of your kind words, prayers, thoughts and well wishes as we just went through one of the most trying times of our lives. Thank you just isn't enough. But thank you...thank you...thank you. The many personal emails, comments, Facebook messages, phone calls and visits literally lifted us up during a time when it felt like our world was crashing. Writing these words already brings tears to my eyes thinking back to just the other day as we sat by our tiny baby boy, hooked up to machines, IV secured in his little hand, being told at first that we couldn't even touch him. I'm still having terrible flashbacks of having to hold his tiny arms down as they performed test after test, hot tears streaming down both of our faces, whispering in his little ear  "It's okay honey, they're almost done...they're almost done". It's nothing that I would ever wish on anyone.

      

     As I permanently lived in the NICU with Carter for almost a week, sleeping in the little dorm room that they provide for mothers and sitting vigil at his bedside every moment of the day, it was the longest, most painful week of my life. And then to have to leave my other baby at home, in the care nonetheless of her wonderful Nana and Papa and Aunt Jen, hurt even more. How do you explain to an almost 2yr old where her mother is? How does she make sense of her daddy coming back and forth from the hospital to home every day? What do you say to her when she asks for you in the middle of the night? I thought of her constantly and ached for her. The guilt of leaving one baby for another stays with you...but through many tears at Carter's bedside, I knew that my place needed to be with him...to nurse him, to comfort him, to hold him, to bond with him, to let him know that I was his mama. Mya was in such good hands. 

     

With few words and lots of pictures, as the exhaustion right now is overwhelming...here is our story: 

           We're finally home.

Excitedly walking the halls to get labor moving, trying to laugh and keep things light through painful contractions...having no idea what was to come.

Middle of the night...my labor team. 

The 15mins that we got with our sweet boy before they took him away and we had to wait half a day to finally see him...left staring at the walls of our hospital room, empty handed, not knowing what to do. 

Once we were finally able to go to the NICU, this is what we saw... 

     As I sat in the wheelchair, the nurse almost wheeled me right past him...I told her to stop.."That's my baby...I know that's my baby" I said. She shook her head..."I don't think so.." I had only seen him for 15mins but I knew. Through the plastic incubator walls, the tubes, the wires and the blanket...I knew with every ounce of my being that that was my boy and she didn't believe me. After finally checking our hospital bands, confirming what I was saying, we finally got to see our sweet baby Carter. And I cried. Hard. 

Mya coming to see her mama and new baby brother for the first time. I had this vision throughout my entire pregnancy of the two of them meeting for the first time...me sitting in the hospital bed, snuggled under the covers, her crawling up to cuddle the both of us, everyone there to see this moment that I had dreamt of for 9months. Instead she met him with me sitting in a wheelchair, only her and my dad there since there is a 2 person limit in the NICU...it's always the unexpected that hurts so much. But man did she ever fall in love with him hard. It didn't matter that my dream of what I expected didn't turn out to be...she loved him from the moment that she saw him. 

     So we're finally home...exhausted, trying to catch up on emails, life, sleep, two children, making Oliver's birthday cake and other preparations for tomorrow's big 1st birthday party and soaking in every ounce of baby cuddles that we can get.

     Home sweet home. It feels so good.