When motherhood feels like you're drowning

There was once this hilarious comedian (and father of 4) who described having four children with a little visual to let everyone know exactly how it felt. 

In all of his hilarity, he said to his audience..."You wanna know what it's like to have a fourth [child]? Just imagine you're drowning---then someone hands you a baby".  

Which makes me laugh, now that I'm in his same shoes. 

Because, yes, of course some days it feels like you're not only drowning, but the waves are actually crashing up and over you, and someone has actually passed you eight babies--because once you have 4, really there may as well be a million in your arms. 

Those mornings when I've been up all night nursing babies, changing bedsheets, calming kids from bad dreams or falls out of bed, and then the clock hits 6am and I wonder how I'm actually going to physically get my body out of this bed. I wonder if my legs will actually hold me and if my brain can actually make the appropriate thought processes in order to move my body from bed to floor. And I can't imagine how completely disheveled I must look at this point, with my hair all a mess, deep bags under my eyes, milk dribble all over my shirt...so I somehow quickly find my way to the shower where the warmth of the water makes me feel whole again, and where I self-talk myself into having a great day. 

These are the moments when I remind myself of how lucky I am, how lucky we all are--because it's in these moments that I always think that we're not only living out our dreams right now with these four beautiful kids of ours, but we're also living out the dreams of so many people who would give anything to have a baby or a family of their own. So, when I'm feeling like the waves are crashing down on me, I always always always remind myself that someone else would give anything (everything) to have even just one night of sleep deprivation if it meant that they had a baby or family of their own. 

So I step out of the shower, dry myself off, brush my hair, slap on some makeup, get into legit clothes and welcome my kids to a new day with a smile and a "Good morning my loves!", as if I'm not actually about to fall over. 

Because this is real life.

And here is the honest truth...as I drag myself down the stairs some mornings...drag myself...my head pounds, my body aches from nursing all night and the weight of my responsibilities weighs heavily on my heart. So as I take that last step onto the cool hardwood floor at the bottom of our staircase, the famous author and teacher Toni Morrison's words always play over in my head..."When your child walks into the room, does your face light up?".

So I think about that a lot. And I try really hard.

Is my face lighting up when I see them first thing in the morning, or am I instead too tired and about to nag them about getting dressed and brushing their teeth before that moment even has a chance to happen? I know they can feel it, either way it plays out.  

So on those days that I feel like I'm drowning in exhaustion, drowning in laundry, drowning in chores, drowning in little people's needs and wants, drowning in self-doubt and noise...I take a breath. I breathe, and pray and reflect on what I really want from this life. What I really want for our kids. What I really want for our family. I remind myself that life is bigger than our emotions, life is bigger than our feelings and life is meant to be abundant and joyful. So I need to find it. It is my job to find it. It is my job to find my own happiness, as it is everyones. It's not Terry's job to make me happy (although of course he does). It's not my children's job to make me happy (which of course they do). My happiness is my own responsibility, and I take it very seriously. So if I'm having a day where I feel like I'm drowning, I pull myself up before my head is actually under the water. I start to get active about my happiness.

I tell Terry about how I'm feeling so we can talk it through. I go for a walk or turn on some good music. I bake some cookies or I get together with friends. I walk the aisles of Home Sense alone or I take a long bath. And I start to remind myself about all of the tiny blessings that I have in my life--because our minds are ridiculously powerful things. 

It's the same reason as to why I stood outside the door of a therapist's office on a cold winter day not too long ago, knowing that I needed to work through the grief and sadness I still constantly feel over loosing Chloe's twin and our other baby who I carried and lost right before Sophia was born. Because my sadness, my grief and that burning sense that something is missing in our family is real--and I want to be able to work through it in a healthy way. Because happiness needs to be a priority. 

So sure, I can say that some days I can definitely appreciate the whole 'drowning and someone then hands you a baby' visual. But most days? Well, most days I'm at the most peace that I've ever been in my life. I can honestly say that since growing our family to a family of six, I have never been happier or more content. I mean, I just look at our family sometimes when we're all together and I can't get over it...I just can't believe how incredibly lucky we are. These kids--all four of them, have just stolen my heart completely. And yes, sure, it's a lot of work. And yes, sure, it takes a lot of patience and sacrifice and organization and cleaning and some days it's just downright exhausting. But these four beautiful children of ours--well they're just everything to me. And I wouldn't want it any other way. 

So those days and nights that are long...well, let them be long. 

Because what I know for sure is that these days won't last forever. These tiny humans will not be tiny humans for much longer. So I'll take the hard with the easy, the good with the bad...and when I really feel like I need a life line, I'll call another mom--because without me even saying a word, she'll understand (and maybe even bring chocolate). 

Erica xoxo