Thursday, 24 April 2014

Hang in there for your rainbow

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There was a quote that a friend of mine posted on Facebook the other day, and I'm now claiming it as my own.

Photo: I will be patient and wait for my rainbow <3

A huge, terrible storm has passed through our lives over these past couple of weeks. A storm that has taken so much from us. It has stolen Terry's job, our financial security, our dreams of a new home and our daily routine that we now miss so desperately. But what's even more devastating is that right in the midst of the tornado that was barrelling through our lives at that point, it also stole our baby. Our baby who we loved so much already. Our baby who we were planning for, talking about, dreaming about and adoring. Our baby who we wanted so badly. Our baby who was ours.

All of a sudden in the blink of an eye everything changed. Our plans, our dreams, our hopes..everything. From dreams of being home next year on maternity leave for the entire year with Carter and our new baby, loving on both of them and getting that entire year to be with them full time at home are now gone. Our dreams of me being there to walk Mya to school as she starts kindergarten, holding her hand and kissing her goodbye as she nervously waves to me as she walks into this new world and new experience are now gone. And being there early, anxiously waiting for her to run out into my arms at the end of the day are now washed away. Maternity leave will no longer be there, and I'll be at work.

The storm has stolen a lot from us.

But...we're now waiting on our rainbow. I know it's coming. It has to come. Because "There is always a rainbow afterwards. ALWAYS". I'm anxious to see what our rainbow will be.

Our life is not what it once was and our hearts have been shattered, but we'll be okay. I'll just keep telling myself that at least. One day we'll be okay.

I almost deleted the post that I wrote the other day. The post that told everyone about our loss, our grief and our heartache.The post that brings me to tears even thinking about it. The post that talks about a parents' grief that, for some reason, we don't usually talk about.

But I ultimately decided to leave it up because only minutes after I pressed the publish button, my inbox began to fill up and overflow with story after story of other heartbroken parents revealing their own miscarriage stories and losses to me. My inbox was full of other mama's thanking me for being so honest and actually talking about this...and thanking me for letting them know that they weren't alone in their grief. That someone else has felt what they felt too.

Terry and I were both completely overwhelmed by the response. Overwhelmed by the love that you poured out to us, the meals that showed up on our doorstep, the flowers and cards and messages of hope that you sent us. Thank you isn't even a strong enough word to express how we feel. But thank you.

Because the grief just doesn't end.

I woke up from surgery the other day and the moment that I felt my body wake up I sobbed. I couldn't even open my eyes, but I wept uncontrollable tears that overtook my body once again.

"They took my baby", I cried as my mom and Terry bent over the hospital bed to hold me. "They took my baby" as tears poured down my cheeks.

The grief was too much once again. "I just want my baby...I want my baby" I sobbed.

The grief is never-ending. 

But our rainbow is coming. It's coming. It has to come after all of this.

Terry got an email from his old director the other day telling him that he had "highly recommended" Terry to other directors he knew and the last line of his email said "Keep your chin up, good guys always win".

Good guys like Terry. Terry, who only a day after getting laid off from his job stopped to talk to a homeless man sitting on the street corner and asked him if he'd still be there in about 20mins. Then Terry went to the grocery store and bought this man a bag full of groceries.

Good guys always win and there is always a rainbow afterwards...always.

Love to you all, xox


  1. That was through tears so my real comment was supposed to be you are loved!

  2. Thank you Auntie Moe. Love to you too xox


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