Thank You

     

     How can I ever express enough how much we appreciate all of your kind words, prayers, thoughts and well wishes as we just went through one of the most trying times of our lives. Thank you just isn't enough. But thank you...thank you...thank you. The many personal emails, comments, Facebook messages, phone calls and visits literally lifted us up during a time when it felt like our world was crashing. Writing these words already brings tears to my eyes thinking back to just the other day as we sat by our tiny baby boy, hooked up to machines, IV secured in his little hand, being told at first that we couldn't even touch him. I'm still having terrible flashbacks of having to hold his tiny arms down as they performed test after test, hot tears streaming down both of our faces, whispering in his little ear  "It's okay honey, they're almost done...they're almost done". It's nothing that I would ever wish on anyone.

      

     As I permanently lived in the NICU with Carter for almost a week, sleeping in the little dorm room that they provide for mothers and sitting vigil at his bedside every moment of the day, it was the longest, most painful week of my life. And then to have to leave my other baby at home, in the care nonetheless of her wonderful Nana and Papa and Aunt Jen, hurt even more. How do you explain to an almost 2yr old where her mother is? How does she make sense of her daddy coming back and forth from the hospital to home every day? What do you say to her when she asks for you in the middle of the night? I thought of her constantly and ached for her. The guilt of leaving one baby for another stays with you...but through many tears at Carter's bedside, I knew that my place needed to be with him...to nurse him, to comfort him, to hold him, to bond with him, to let him know that I was his mama. Mya was in such good hands. 

     

With few words and lots of pictures, as the exhaustion right now is overwhelming...here is our story: 

           We're finally home.

Excitedly walking the halls to get labor moving, trying to laugh and keep things light through painful contractions...having no idea what was to come.

Middle of the night...my labor team. 

The 15mins that we got with our sweet boy before they took him away and we had to wait half a day to finally see him...left staring at the walls of our hospital room, empty handed, not knowing what to do. 

Once we were finally able to go to the NICU, this is what we saw... 

     As I sat in the wheelchair, the nurse almost wheeled me right past him...I told her to stop.."That's my baby...I know that's my baby" I said. She shook her head..."I don't think so.." I had only seen him for 15mins but I knew. Through the plastic incubator walls, the tubes, the wires and the blanket...I knew with every ounce of my being that that was my boy and she didn't believe me. After finally checking our hospital bands, confirming what I was saying, we finally got to see our sweet baby Carter. And I cried. Hard. 

Mya coming to see her mama and new baby brother for the first time. I had this vision throughout my entire pregnancy of the two of them meeting for the first time...me sitting in the hospital bed, snuggled under the covers, her crawling up to cuddle the both of us, everyone there to see this moment that I had dreamt of for 9months. Instead she met him with me sitting in a wheelchair, only her and my dad there since there is a 2 person limit in the NICU...it's always the unexpected that hurts so much. But man did she ever fall in love with him hard. It didn't matter that my dream of what I expected didn't turn out to be...she loved him from the moment that she saw him. 

     So we're finally home...exhausted, trying to catch up on emails, life, sleep, two children, making Oliver's birthday cake and other preparations for tomorrow's big 1st birthday party and soaking in every ounce of baby cuddles that we can get.

     Home sweet home. It feels so good.

Update on the Crew

     Thank you so much everyone for all of your love and support. I printed off the messages that you left for Erica and brought them to the hospital for her to read. She cried as she soaked up your love and good wishes. She's a strong woman, someone I'm proud to call my sister. We're also all so lucky to have such a fantastic support system in place. Thank you for holding my family in your hearts!

So, the test results came back yesterday morning and Carter does not have pneumonia (yeah!!). Unfortunately his white blood cell count was high, so they were not allowed to have the little man come home yet (boo!). They did some more tests, and the blood cell count came back positive (yeah!). Since Carter has been breastfeeding so well they have taken out the IV (more yeah!!) and they have stopped the dosages of antibiotics (also yeah!). The thing that still isn't great is that the little guy has been having choking episodes, where he's turning purple and needs intervention in order for him to start breathing again (double boo!). So, Carter needs to go for 48 hours without having one of these episodes in order for him to be sent home. It's been 24 hours so far, we just need 24 more, then this family can begin their new normal as a lovely family of four.

Throughout this whole situation my sister and Terry have been fantastic. They have continued to look out for the rest of the family. Oliver's first birthday was yesterday, and Erica was determined to make it home, even if it was just for an hour, to celebrate my little guy. I spoke with her on the phone in the morning about Carter and then received a text from her a half hour later ~ she was apologizing for not having wished Oliver a happy birthday. Even in times of stress, she's looking out for the rest of her family.

And so, I'll leave you with a picture that Jeff took when he went to visit Erica and Carter in the hospital on Tuesday night. (Don't worry, he's sleeping on his belly because he's hooked up to all those monitors so there's no worries about SIDS. When he heads home he'll sleep on his back!) Jeff still hasn't held Carter, but when he does get that little babe in his arms, look out... the rest of us may not be able to hold him for awhile!!

Thanksgiving Ups and Downs

     Erica is still in the hospital with Carter as I write this. My house is quiet, as Oliver sleeps upstairs, and Jeff is at the hospital finally meeting Carter. Erica wanted me (her sister, Jen) to update you all on what has happened. I'll let her tell you the whole birth story a bit later, but I figured that I'd at least give you a bit more information about the newest addition to our family.

On Sunday October 7th at 4:54 am Carter was born. He is beautiful. This sweet little gift has a head full of blond hair like his sister, and a face that melts your heart. Erica was amazing. She went into labour at 12:30 on Saturday night (after a week or more of significantly painful contractions!) and delivered a few hours later. Quickly moving along, she gave birth to her new bundle of joy after only four pushes! Needless to say she was tired after labouring all night and sore from the delivery.

Erica snuggled with Carter when he was first born for about 15 minutes, then he was taken to get the usual things done that happen to new babes (weight checks, head measuring, vitamin K shots..). As these procedures were happening, this new little one kept grunting. Those grunts concerned the nurse who was caring for Carter and Erica so she sent him (with Terry) down to the NICU just to make sure that everything was okay. We figured he'd be back in Erica's arms in an hour at the most. Mom and I said that we wanted to hold Carter when he got back from the NICU before we headed home to nap for a bit. Unfortunately that didn't happen. Terry was sent back to the room after about 45 minutes when the NICU closed for shift changes. It was five hours before they were allowed to even see their new little again.

Carter was admitted into the NICU that morning, about two hours after he was born, due to water on his lungs. X-rays showed that something was not right with his lungs. They think it could be pneumonia. For the first day Erica and Terry were instructed not to touch Carter, for fear that he could get sicker. I was in the room for the delivery, so I got to meet Carter, but I didn't get a chance to hold him. I returned later that morning with Jeff and Oliver to visit the new parents. Jeff left the hospital without having met Carter.

Erica wasn't able to see her new baby for the first five hours of his life. He slept in a bassinet in the NICU as the rest of us worried about him. All the baby snuggles and the love that is supposed to be showered on the newest arrival had to wait. After waiting for five hours with no news, they finally ventured down to the NICU with the hope that they might be able to see their new little.

And so we still wait. Erica was discharged from the hospital today and she and Terry came home without their baby. Erica is devastated. The expectations that she had before giving birth were shattered. Here she is, a new mom (to her second, but still, a new mom nonetheless), leaving the hospital without the person that she has spent the last nine months with. Even though she knows that Carter is receiving the best care, and is being given everything he needs, Erica describes it as leaving your one day old at daycare with providers you don't know. He's not getting the hugs and kisses that Mya has stored up for him. He's not being passed around and cooed over. He's being poked and prodded. He's got an IV in his wee hand. He's being left alone at a time when he should be showered with love. Our family has gathered around and we are trying to support Erica and Terry as best that we can, but we can't take away the pain from leaving one child at the hospital, or the other at home. Trying to divide their time between their two children has been painful. Mya has been taken care of by my parents. She is having a blast staying at Nana and Papa's, but Erica still feels guilty.

So Erica asked me to write this post. She doesn't want to have to explain over and over again why she's home without her baby. She doesn't want people to ask to see Carter. It's just too painful. What she would love is your support. Just words, saying that you're thinking of her and her little family. Prayers, good thoughts. We're hoping that the test results that will come back tomorrow morning will indicate that Carter will be able to come home. We're hoping that he doesn't have pneumonia, and that the water on his lungs has cleared. So hopefully, as Erica sleeps in a dorm room in the hospital tonight, you will think of her. She and Terry could use all of the love and support as they deal with a reality that wasn't what they were expecting. Erica is taking this like a trooper. She's doing whatever she has to in order to take care of baby Carter. Terry continues to be the amazing brother-in-law that I have always known. He's supporting his lovely wife, and trying to get in as many baby cuddles as he can, as he makes many trips between his new son at the hospital and his two year old daughter at Nana and Papa's. And Carter, Carter is strong. He is absolutely adorable. He is the most precious thing.

And so, I welcome to the world, baby Carter. Here's hoping that Erica or I will be back tomorrow with a wonderful update telling you all that we can bring him home. For now, Erica will hopefully be able to get some sleep in the dorm room at the hospital. She'll be enjoying every cuddle she can when Carter feeds. And hopefully she won't have to explain where her new baby is, because she'll have him in her arms at home.

Making my own laundry detergent..and waiting

   




     Sometimes I look at the things I'm doing these days and it makes me laugh.

     Who would have ever thought that I'd be using cloth diapers on my children or making my own laundry detergent. Yes..you heard right...making my own laundry detergent. Although I'd like to pretend that I'm one of those moms who makes batches of their own organic granola and grows their own veggies in their backyard, I'm totally not. Maybe one day I'll get there. Hopefully.  

Mya at 12 weeks old--so tiny!

      But for now, I find myself washing cloth diapers, wetting down cloth wipes and now making my own laundry detergent. Makes me laugh thinking about it...but really I love it. It all started by us wanting to save money when we first approached the idea of using cloth diapers, but now I love the fact too that we don't have garbage bags full of dirty diapers that we throw out each week. And here I sit again, looking at the cost of laundry detergent, cringing every time I go to buy another container, so I've finally decided to make my own. I'll let you know in the end if it's worth it or not--but from everything I've read, you basically spend about $18 and you have enough laundry detergent to last you almost a year. Sounds pretty appealing to me.

      After searching the web for a good recipe and scanning over the reviews of others, I found a recipe that I liked and decided to give it a try. So Jen and I set out on a warm Tuesday afternoon, with kids in tow, and started the relatively easy and quick process of making our own. You only need a few ingredients, a cheese grater, and a big bucket to store your detergent in and you're all set to go.

      I did my first load this morning with it, and I was impressed. My clothes were just as clean as they were with my store bought detergent--but I only used a tiny amount of soap (only 1-2 tbsp per load, since there aren't the fillers that normal detergents contain, so you don't need as much).
 
    Here is what you'll need and how we did it:

The site where I found it is from the US, so just FYI... they don't sell the Arm & Hammer washing soda here in Canada--but the Pure Washing Soda that we bought is the exact same thing. I also chose to leave out the OXI Clean--as it's optional, but feel free to add it if you want.

Here is the site where I found the recipe if you wanted to take a look: http://beingcreativetokeepmysanity.blogspot.ca/2010/11/homemade-laundry-soap.html

Here is what you'll need:

1 box of Borax (2 kg) found in the detergent aisle (I found it at Value Mart)

3 boxes of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda (500g each) found in the baking aisle of any grocery store (or Dollarama)

7 cups of Pure Washing Soda found at any health food store

3 bars of soap (any kind)--I used Jergens and Jen used Ivory. The site suggests using a special kind of soap, but everyone's reviews suggested that you can actually use any type of bar soap. 

A cheese grater (to grate the soap into a fine powder) and you'll need a plastic container to store your detergent  

1) Start by grating your soap into fine flakes.

2) Mix the grated soap and all of your other ingredients together and you're done!

TIP #1: Throw all ingredients together in large bucket lined with a plastic grocery bag--we learned the hard way that it's difficult to mix all of the ingredients in the small container that we used.

TIP #2: Make it outside to avoid any mess

That's it! Here's to super cheap detergent with all the laundry we're bound to be doing in the next few weeks (and years!) to come.

****************
And to finish off...here are a few of the things we've been enjoying while waiting for this little baby to make his entrance into the world. I figure if we need to wait impatiently, we may as well enjoy our time together...

1) Every morning as Terry heads off to work Mya says goodbye to her daddy inside, then insists on going out to the porch and waving to him as he drives off. She patiently positions herself on the first step, jammies still on, baby in hand...and says "bye bye" over and over again until his car is no longer in sight. Cutest thing ever.

2) Cleaning our cars out--with a little helper. I love a good clean car.

3) Visiting with really really cute little friends...doesn't get any cuter than baby Agnes.

4) She takes each plate out of the dishwasher so carefully and places each of them in a neatly stacked pile on the floor, waiting for me to pick them up and put them in the cupboard...and although I hold my breath with every movement of those plates, she's never broken one, ever.



5) A morning at Doon Heritage Village with friends on a beautiful Fall day

   

Here's hoping that this little baby will be here soon!! Been walking every day trying to encourage him to decide to finally come out...but nope..not yet. I'll keep you posted!

A lesson in patience

   




     Parenthood isn't always easy. It isn't always roses. But man, is it ever worth it.

      It can sometimes feel like you're all alone in your struggles...like everyone else is floating through parenthood and/or life without the hardships, struggles, fears and tough experiences that you're going through. But what I'm learning is that we're all actually connected. A lot of  my experiences are others experiences as well. Sometimes we just don't talk about it enough.

     Today was a day that tested my patience as a mom and that made me realize that with the good, the easy and the wonderful also comes the tough and the difficult. I'm getting to the point in this pregnancy where I'm feeling huge, uncomfortable and sore (38 weeks will do that to you). I'm not sleeping well at night, I'm continually having painful Braxton Hicks contractions and everyday simple things are now becoming so difficult for me to do. It's not surprising though--it's all part of this very important process, which is okay since it means that our wee baby is growing as he should, tucked away in the warmth of my body. But I'm definitely feeling anxious and impatient these days, wanting this baby to now come and eager to see what he looks like and to kiss his little cheeks.

     But it's not just being uncomfortable and sore that is difficult these days. It's really hard running after an (almost) 2yr old who is asserting her independence, her opinions and her will as her little 2yr old self is developmentally supposed to be doing. Some days though are really hard.

     Today was one of those days, complete with temper tantrums, crying and meltdowns which left her mama exhausted. These are the days when it can feel like you're the only one experiencing these things. Please people, tell me that you've either gone through this or are going through this as well with your 2yr olds...or feel free to lie to me so that I can at least feel better about it.

     Although these days are exhausting, they're also certainly the best lessons in patience. It's these moments that teach us to stay calm, to take a deep breath and to look past the tantrums and into the eyes of what our children need. This is where my favourite quote of "Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it" comes into play. You've just got to love them through it.

     It's these days when I say to Terry, "How do parents who have no patience, who have violent tendencies or who are simply overwhelmed to their breaking point deal with this?" Terry and I are absolutely determined that our children will never EVER know what it feels like to get spanked or experience any other form of physical pain in order to discipline them (and good Lord help me if I ever find out that anyone else ever chooses to spank her, grab her arm or use any other type of force to discipline her themselves...they'd see a mother bear side of me that no one has ever seen before--I can guarantee that).

     What I've learned though from these types of tough days is that it's important to step back and take a moment to breathe, find all that unconditional mommy love that you can muster..then send out an S.O.S. to the people in your life. Her Nana and Papa, for example, insisted that they get to keep her for a sleepover tonight so that Terry and I can sleep in tomorrow morning and Jen convinced me to set up a pre-natal massage appointment for tomorrow. I already miss my girl like crazy and Terry and I have already discussed at least three times that we both just want to go drive over and scoop her up and take her back home since we're both aching for her so much. But I'm learning that it's important to let others help sometimes in order to take care of yourself...especially when you're this close to giving birth and exhausted beyond belief. Terry and I went and had a romantic dinner sans child at McDonald's tonight (to fulfil our little tradition of going to McDonald's once during each pregnancy--something we never do otherwise), then went for a nice evening walk together (past bedtime!) and we've had the chance tonight to get the last few things ready for this baby's arrival.

     I already feel rejuvenated. With a little rest, a little downtime and a lot of love around us, I feel so much better already. I just can't wait to see my girl tomorrow and hear about all of the fun she had with her Nana and Papa--while we just missed her like crazy.

P.S. Do you know of any other little girl who gets THIS excited about seeing pigs playing together on Youtube? Cutest thing ever.
 

   
   Off to bed now, looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow morning then picking up my girl asap!

Covering a Light Fixture--Boy oh Boy

   




      I must say, when I found out that we were going to be having a baby boy, I had a moment of thinking "But I don't know much about boys...how am I going to actually raise one?". I've never had a brother. I didn't grow up with close boy friends. I grew up with a sister and a house full of tons of little girl friends playing Barbies and 'house'. Tea parties, dolls, mom's makeup and pig tails filled our house and my poor dad had to put aside his manly instincts and learn how to braid our hair and get down on the floor to play Barbies with his girls.

     
     So when we found out that a little boy was on the way, I had to ask Terry a lot of questions.
"How do you decorate a boy's room?" 
"Is this too girly for a boy?"
"How do we raise our son to be exactly like you? I want that so badly".

   When we'd pass by baby bedding and I'd pick it up thinking it was boy-ish enough to add to Carter's room, he'd just look at me and laugh, saying "That is so girly...this is a BOY we're having". I really had no clue. But I'm learning. And part of me secretly loves that I have to go to Terry to ask his opinion about so many things now since with Mya it was the exact opposite. I knew exactly what I wanted her little girly nursery to look like. I knew exactly what little dress would be perfect for her or which hair clips to buy. I love that Terry can now teach me...and I'm sure he'll continue to teach me every step of the way.

     One of the things that I found though to be the most difficult process when prepping for this little boy's nursery was finding a light fixture that wasn't covered in jewels or crystals or cute little girly details. As we walked the aisles of literally every home improvement store in our city I said to Terry, "Do people just not buy light fixtures for their little boy's rooms?"...because there was literally nothing that caught my eye and most lights were clearly meant for girls.

    So I decided to take things into my own hands, and make my own (well, kinda). I ended up buying a simple fixture that I liked...but I thought it was a bit boring--and it was also covered in cream fabric and I wanted it to have white in it to match the rest of the room. So I rummaged through the fabric that I already had on hand in my house, and I decided to cover the light fixture myself--which literally only took minutes to do. And I realized (and Terry--the boy--confirmed) that the fabric isn't exactly the most boy-ish of choice...but it was free to me since I already had it, and it matched the colours of the room while also meaning that I didn't have to leave the house to go to the fabric store one more time. I kinda like it too...it works.  

Anyway, here is how I did it:

1) I bought this light fixture--which is just fine, but a little plain.

2) Pick a fabric and measure your lamp shade, then cut your fabric to size.

3) Get your glue gun out and start tightly wrapping the fabric around the shade, applying small dabs of glue to the inside of the shade to make sure the fabric stays put.

4) Place lamp shade back on fixture and your done!! I think this took me about 20mins tops to make.

     I'm now looking at every other lamp shade in our house envisioning beautifully fabric wrapped shades and a quick and easy update to so many rooms in our house. It was just so easy, quick (and cheap!) to make.

     Let me know if you've ever done this before or have any other great DIY ideas for a quick fix to update a room on the cheap (and easy). I'm always looking for new ideas.

    Happy Weekend! Hopefully I'll have good news to share soon about our new arrival...I thought we might have had to run to the hospital last night with all of the contractions that I was having, but again they dwindled down to nothing.  We're so ready to meet this little boy (and show him his new light fixture!).