A little Easter cheer after the storm

   




     These past couple of weeks haven't been easy, but I'm glad to say that my days of bed rest have come to an end.       

     I feel like I've been going completely stir crazy over the past couple of weeks. To tell a girl to stay in bed (who usually doesn't do well lying on the couch for more than an hour before she feels like she's not being very productive) is a tall order. At least I come by it honestly. My mom is the type who is there making her homemade greek yogurt on her off time, refusing to take a bubble bath because "well, that's boring"...while whipping up some cookies, appetizers and making an elaborate meal for her family all at the same time (while of course never forgetting to put on her pearls). And my dad is the guy who you go to if you want something done yesterday. You ask him once and he already has is done for you a minute ago. I have completely turned into both of my parents.

     So asking me to just sit and do nothing is almost laughable. However...I've been doing it. Anything for this wee little baby who is just trying to grow as perfectly as he/she can. But hallelujah that my bed rest days have come to an end and I've had the chance to enjoy Easter the way that we were hoping to. I told myself that although we have experienced a lot of stress over the past couple of weeks, I wanted to purposefully seek out, find and create as much joy for our little family as I could this weekend to make up for lost time. I think Mya would tell you that we succeeded.  

     I felt like I had to play catch up for not being as ready for Easter as I would have liked to have been. There were Easter eggs to find, Easter bunny ears to buy, decorations to put up and food to prepare. Holidays will never get old for me. I love how they provide a reason to celebrate--and did we ever cram in the celebrations!

    

     A lunch date with my GanGan (and a nice visit from my Aunt and Uncle too) started things off. This is the wonderful Aunt of mine who provides me with all of my Oreos for all my baking--and she came with more again this time. Thanks again Auntie Gin!

We made sure that GanGan got right into the Easter spirit...she's such a good sport.

And then our server brought out balloons and crayons...apparently it doesn't get much better than that.

     Then the Easter egg hunts began...and I LOVED how Mya actually understood what she was supposed to do. It brought me more joy that I can even express to watch her pick up those eggs hidden in the grass and place them so carefully into her little Easter basket. I never thought that I'd be so proud of someone for simply placing eggs into a basket...but I was beaming with pride and cheered her on every step of the way. I loved that she actually kept those little bunny ears on the whole time as well. Too cute. This little girl already knows that it doesn't take much to make her mama happy.

    When we headed over to the bouncy castle I wasn't sure how she would react to it. It was her first time ever being in one, however she apparently decided that she could have stayed in that thing all day long. No better joy than jumping.

       After finding more eggs hidden inside, she is now officially an expert egg finder. I figure we'll be now playing this hiding game all year long.

  Grandparents are just the best. These two kiddos were spoiled rotten this Easter--lots of toys, bubbles, clothes and love were given to Mya and Oliver today. Thanks Nana, Papa and Grandma!

      Oh...and last but not least...you can't forget about the big kids. It's been 30 years and we STILL get an Easter egg hunt...and by "we" I mean Jen, Jeff, Terry and I. It's no ordinary egg hunt though. There are strict rules, regulations and it can get pretty aggressive and competitive. The babies had to be held by the grandparents, all of us had our plastic buckets in place and on the count of 3 we were off!

     With expected pushing, shoving, grabbing, stealing from others buckets and a ton of laughing we tore through my parents house finding all of the eggs that they hid for us. This year I got a free pass on getting tackled since we had to be extra careful obviously with me being preggo...(although people did still steal from my bucket, mind you---Terry I'm looking at you...)...but in the end it was another yearly Easter tradition fulfilled.

     The thing about our hunt though is that when all of the eggs are found, the rule is that we have to split all of the eggs up evenly so that everyone goes home with the exact same amount. It's a tradition that we've had ever since we were little (I'm sure to avoid the obvious crying at the end of a hunt with one child always being bigger and faster than the next). Everyone leaves happy though...which is ultimately the goal anyways--and I'm sure we'll continue this same tradition with Oliver, Mya and their future brothers or sisters.

Clearly, even adults need chocolate too!
   Happy Easter!!
  

To Breathe Again

   




      I feel like I can breathe again. My heart has stopped pounding and I feel like the exhaustion from the past week has finally eased up.      

      It's funny how there used to be so many days when I'd wish for just one whole day of rest to myself. I'd dream of the life that I used to have where I had the luxury of lying around on a weekend, sleeping in, doing whatever I wanted when I wanted without the responsibility of anyone but myself and Terry. I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world now. But I think that every parent at some point probably experiences the same feelings of dreaming of just one day to themselves without the responsibility of changing dirty diapers and worrying about feedings and tears.
 
      But now that I've been told that I have to relax, I have to stay put and I have to remain lying down as much as possible I actually really miss all of those little things that I once thought that I wanted a break from. I miss changing all those dirty diapers from a little girl who squirms and wiggles trying to get loose. I miss the rush of the morning, getting her ready, chasing after her as she runs giggling through the house with her toys. I miss leaving the house to run errands, pick up milk or go for a walk with Terry, Mya and our dog. I miss my kindergarten kids who leave me exhausted by the end of day...but a good, full, fun day kind of exhaustion. However, I know that this resting is what I need to be doing in order to protect this little wee baby--so it's completely worth it. I just stare at this picture in awe and it makes me head right back to bed.

    So instead of my normal busy routine, I've been spending my days in bed or on the couch trying to take it easy. Instead of going out and trying to find enjoyment and fun, this has given me the chance to appreciate the small things that are right here in front of me.  I've been doing things like watching the beautiful tulips that my mother in law brought for me bloom perfectly with each passing day.

I've been able to spend more time with my little nephew Oliver since Jen and Jeff have been over helping out with Mya so much and keeping me company throughout the week.

I sat at the table this morning for our typical pancake Saturday breakfast and enjoyed watching my little girl eat more pancakes than I even did!

I snuck into Mya's room the other night to find this scene...which made me laugh out loud.

I tried to gently push her legs back into the crib, but she just stuck them back out again. She cracks me up.

The guilt of not being able to look after my girl the way that I usually do is killing me. But I've loved watching her get loved on and cared for so perfectly from the rest of my family. I don't know what I would do without them.

Her grandma is very brave. Surprisingly there was no peeing!

My dad has been waiting almost 2 years now to be able to show Mya this little fort under his deck that he had made especially for his unborn grandchildren. And she apparently LOVED it!

     I've been enjoying the little visits from friends who have popped by to check in on us, and the emails, cards and special gifts and treats that I've found left at my doorstep. Thank you to everyone for your incredible support and generosity--I don't feel worthy of all of this kindness, but I am so incredibly appreciative. The little things (like my wonderful friend Gillian who gathered some school stuff for me the other day so that my sister could bring it home for me) all make such a difference to my world right now. Thank you a million times over.
  
     With my heart racing at a normal speed now, and my focus now on keeping our tiny little baby safe and sound, I have another week of rest ahead of me before heading back to work. What a wild ride this has been, but it literally brings me to tears thinking of the kindness that we've experienced from others. Terry and I have always talked about making sure that we have a strong community of good people around us while raising our children. We wanted our kids to feel that they had people outside of just us who loved and cared for them and who would be there for them if anything were ever to happen to us. And this experience has made me realize that we actually already have that, which I am forever grateful for.

An Emotional Rollercoaster

    




     So I'm lying in bed right now...on a Tuesday afternoon. Not exactly a typical afternoon for me--I can't even remember the last time that I was in bed during the day. But I'm lying here not for my own sake...I've been told by my doctor that I must remain horizontal for at least a week now.
    
     I debated about whether or not I would write about the experience that we've been going through. It's personal. It's emotional. It's difficult. But I came to the conclusion that others might be able to relate. It might resonate with someone. And for me, it's helpful and therapeutic to write about it and get it all out. So, I figured I'd just start writing...bare with me.
   
     Monday morning was a morning that I never want to relive ever again. I woke up expecting it to be another normal Monday and started getting Mya ready and myself ready for work. But my world stopped as I was in the bathroom and all of a sudden I was staring at a pool of blood. I stared at my legs in disbelief as blood streamed down to the floor. I knew immediately what it meant, but I couldn't bring myself to actually acknowledge it.

     I cried, I called for Terry and then I called my mom. Thank goodness I have the greatest husband and family in the world. My mom dropped everything and drove right over, I called my sister and she came too and Terry and I both called into work to take the day off. After calling my doctor, he asked me to come in right away and all of a sudden Terry and I were sitting in our doctors office explaining to him exactly how much blood I saw that morning. The whole experience was so surreal. I felt like I was watching this all happen to a distraught couple who just yesterday were talking about what names they liked best for their new little baby.

     We cried for the dream of our family that was being swept away from us. We cried for how unfair it felt. We cried for believing that of course this was going to happen to us because we knew that this was given to us way too easily this time. We cried for our baby that we so desperately wanted. We cried for a loss that you just can't even explain. We cried because we didn't know for sure what had happened. We cried because we felt so out of control and didn't have confirmation as to whether we actually for sure lost the baby. But really, all I kept thinking was "What else could it be?".

     This is where those little acts of kindness come into play. My mom and sister took Mya and Oliver for a walk when we were at the doctor and they came home with a HUGE bag of chocolate Eggies for me and a big bag of Terry's favourite chips (salt and vinegar). I wasn't surprised when I saw them--it's what our family does. When anything goes wrong, we show up (which is most important) and then we usually always surprise the person with their favourite treat. Knowing you can't do anything to change the situation, treats will at least bring a smile to their faces, if only for a moment. Then on top of that, my wonderful friend Jen just stopped by with TWO amazing dinners for us and then she also included all of my favourite treats (chocolate peanut butter cups, Loads Of ketchup chips and chocolate caramel eggs). She left my house and my eyes filled with tears as I looked at all that she had brought for us and the incredible thoughtfulness that was behind it. She is a true angel. Thank you Jen.

    After getting back from the doctors office, we waited anxiously until 1:00 when we had our ultrasound appointment. We walked hand in hand into the building, not saying a word to each other. There were no words for what we were both feeling. We were about to walk in and be told that we no longer had our baby. I've never felt so anxious, overwhelmed...sad is not even a strong enough word. I can't even explain it. I would never wish this feeling on anyone.
    
     My name was called and I went into the ultrasound room, while Terry had to wait in the waiting room alone. Thank goodness I had the loveliest ultrasound technician I've ever had. She looked at my file, reading why I was there that day, then touched my arm to comfort me. I laid there, belly covered in that cold gel just staring at this lady who was straight faced, intensely staring at the screen that I couldn't see. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I felt desperate and completely out of control. Then all of sudden, she flipped the screen quickly towards me and almost shouted at me "Look! I see a heartbeat! There's still a baby in there!".
  
    I wept immediately. Wept like I had never wept before. The tears burned my cheeks. I tried to catch my breath while wiping my tears as this lovely lady excitedly showed me every inch of that beautiful little baby. I watched as this tiny little being bounced around, kicked his/her legs and even sucked his/her thumb. I've never felt more grateful or happy about anything in my life before. When Terry was finally allowed to come in, we locked eyes and all I could say was "There's a baby! We still have our baby!".

     I cried again as we watched our little daughter or son move so perfectly around on that little screen. The lovely ultrasound technician then said to me, "You know, sometimes God makes us go through some tough things in life so that we're extra grateful for what we have". I wanted to tell her that she was preaching to the choir. She was so right.
    
     The ultrasound showed that what was causing all of the bleeding was a pretty significant tear in my placenta. She said she wasn't sure what caused it, but in order for it to heal and not cause any damage to the baby I was put on bed rest for at least a week.
  
     So here I lay in bed, in a quiet house, as my mom and sister are at the Early Years Centre with Mya so that I can rest. I found out that my mother in law also came over today to check in and drop off a lovely pile of new clothes for Mya when I was sleeping earlier. She's just the best. And my dad has also been over helping out with Mya and doing odd jobs around our house since yesterday. Val and Brad, in the midst of their own struggles, have also been amazingly supportive and even offered to look after Mya if we needed extra help. Thank you to everyone.
    
     In the whirlwind of emotions that we've gone through in the past 24hours, we feel so incredibly blessed and so grateful for the miracle that is still in my belly. I can't even express how fortunate I feel. It's the most overwhelming feeling in the world and I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how lucky we are--I know that's not even a strong enough word. I can't even find the words to express how incredibly blessed we feel right now. And I thank you all for the incredible support that you have shown. Thank you thank you thank you.
   

    

Cookie, Oreo, Brownie Heaven

     To me, one of the greatest things in life that we can do for others is to offer small gestures of kindness. I love doing little things for people just to try to show them that I care or that I'm thinking of them. It usually doesn't take much effort, all things considered, but it can make such a difference to someone's day. Sometimes it might be as simple as leaving a treat for a friend on their desk at school, or seeing something in a store that I know someone will like and just buying it for them for no specific reason. Sometimes it might be baking up something delicious and sharing it with friends or sending a card to a friend or family member who you know might need it.

     This weekend Terry and I were lucky enough to be the recipients of two of these small gestures. We opened our front door this morning to find two beautifully wrapped bags full of delicious chocolate peanut butter squares. It was from our neighbour Kim (who can bake up a mean treat, by the way). It just made my day as I sank down into my couch and ate pretty much an entire bag in the matter of minutes. This pregnant girl doesn't mess around. Kim, you (and your yummy desserts) are the best. Thanks!

     Then when we were at a party this weekend, hosted by our friends Jim and Brad, they (out of the blue) handed us a gift for Mya. They bought her a fabulous wooden pie set and told me that now Mya can bake along with me. How incredibly thoughtful and sweet--thanks Jim and Brad! I just love those unexpected random acts of kindness. And really...how cute is this little set??

Something else that I love about life is that there are so many opportunities to celebrate and use these little gestures of kindness to show others that you care.

It's Judy's (my mother-in-law) birthday tomorrow, so I had the family over for dinner tonight to celebrate her special day. Again, it's not like it takes millions of dollars or hours to put together a meal...but it's an important way to show someone that you care and that you're thinking of them. She regularly brings Terry, Mya and I meals throughout the week--which is BEYOND amazing and helpful to us...so this is the least that we could do for her.

Terry and I spent the morning blowing up balloons, hanging a birthday banner that Jen made (yes, handmade--she cut out all those perfect letters out of felt herself) and getting all the food ready for that night.

Sometimes a bit of effort can go a long way. And a reason to celebrate is definitely worth celebrating.

Our two mamas.

For her cake this year I decided to bake her up a dessert recipe that I had found and made once before (and absolutely LOVED). I changed it up a bit and added a touch of my own...but in the end, you get the most delicious dessert you've ever eaten. Introducing: Cookie, Oreo, Brownie Heaven (I made up the name myself...cause really, that's what it tastes like).

With a layer of chocolate chip peanut butter cookie dough on the bottom, Oreo cookies in the middle and brownie on top...here is how I made it:

1) Using a 9 by 13 pan, line it with parchment paper and spray it or butter it well.

2) Make up any batch of cookies that you like (I chose to make chocolate chip peanut butter cookies...but just choose your favourite! --if you`re not really into baking, just go buy one of those bags of cookie mixes and it`ll taste great too). Line the pan with the cookie dough.

3) Place a layer of Oreos (or any cream filled cookie) on top of the cookie dough. I had these crazy little football Oreos in my pantry, so I just used them. But use whatever cream filled cookie you love.

4) Bake up a batch of brownies (and again..use a mix if it`s easiest for you..this is not supposed to be time consuming people!). Then pour the mix over your Oreos and smooth it out with a spatula.

5) Put in oven at 350 for about 45minutes (give or take) and serve warm...with icecream on top! Helllloooooo delicious!!

A little sunshine

     After it rains, the sunshine is always bound to come out. And if it doesn`t...you better go find it.
The beginning of the week wasn`t perfect. But oh how the love and support of others can help you get through just about anything. I'm over it now though...moving on. My theory is that it`s really not healthy or necessary to drag a bad day on..so, I decided Tuesday morning that I better (purposefully) make the most of the rest of the week. Hence, happy moments found (or created) throughout the rest of my week:

Happy moment #1

Brad took Mya out to the barn to see the cows, just the two of them. So sweet. I love how little memories can be made from the smallest gestures.

Happy moment #2

What`s better than a spontaneous trip to Dairy Queen for delicious blizzards? Did you know that DQ has `buy one blizzard, get the second for 99 cents` until the end of the month? (at least at the DQ by my house). Ya...amazing. We put Mya down for the night and I called my sister Jen and we headed down the road to pick up blizzards for our hubbies and ourselves. Ice cream just makes everything better. Period.

Happy moment #3

Thinking of Mya becoming a big sister. Seeing how much she absolutely adores her cousin Oliver melts my heart. She is so loving and caring towards him and actually wiggles with excitement when she sees him. I love seeing her natural instincts kick in as she tries to put blankets on him, hand him toys that he can't yet play with, kiss him excessively and hug him until he lets her know that he's had enough. I can`t wait to see how much she loves on her new sister or brother.

Happy moment #4

Mya helping me hang laundry outside. I love how she's growing into such a wonderful little person. Watching her pull laundry from the basket and try to put it on the rack makes me realize how much she is learning from every single thing that we do (good or bad). Big responsibility--but so much fun to see.

Happy Moment #5

Swings! Enough said.

 Happy Moment #6

Spontaneous dance party with my kindergarten kids today. Sometimes you just have to let kids dance. So after noticing some wigglers at my carpet during a lesson, I decided what's better than cranking up the tunes and just letting them dance. And oh did they ever dance! I love that these are the kinds of childhood memories that they'll hold onto.

...and tomorrow is my day off. So meeting with friends and just relaxing with my babe is what I'm most looking forward to. I guess a bad moment at the beginning of the week can be altered pretty quickly if you find some joy in the little things that really matter.